Why You Can't Stop People Pleasing- (And It's Not Because You're So Kind)
"Sure." "Yes." "No worries!" "Okay." "No problem." "That's fine." I've got you." Sounds familiar? What comes across as kindness may actually be people-pleasing in disguise. Kindness is an act of consideration that honours both your own and the needs of others. It allows you to remain connected without risking emotional entanglement. You are able to remain separate and chose to be kind without fear, obligation, avoidance or a need for approval. Kindness is rooted in connection, consideration and compassion for yourself as well as others. Many people-pleasing adults learned at an early age that it was safer to anticipate the needs of those around them than risk rejection, disappointment, embarrassment or danger. These people learned that their own needs were less important than keeping the people around them happy, calm, or emotionally regulated.
Imagine Samuel, who learned by 4 years old, that grabbing a fresh beer from the fridge for his dad, helped him avoid having an empty can thrown at his head. This heightened attunement to the needs of others, allowed you to have a semblance of control as you anticipated what lay ahead. You became highly skilled at assessing tone of voice, facial expressions and shifts in mood so that nothing surprised you and you could deescalate growing tension. Instead of checking in with yourself, you were automatically scanning everyone else. This hypervigilance came at a cost though. It created a pattern where your sense of safety became intertwined with the emotional state of others. Over time this can leave you feeling more anxious, stressed and exhausted than those around you- without fully understanding why.
People-pleasing is an adaptive survival strategy developed over time where you place the needs of others before your own; feeling as though the alternative would be selfish. It is driven by the belief that keeping the people around you "pleased" will keep you safer. What once helped you survive may now be preventing you from living authentically and building relationships where your needs matter too. This is where therapy helps. Together we can figure out what behaviours are causing complications for you now, where they came from, how they helped you then, and how to shift them moving forward. In this process you will learn to listen to, and honour, your internal experience, share it with others and face conflict without self abandoning.
